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Personal Thoughts – Page 2 – MoreRants
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Personal Thoughts

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I LOVE YOU

I love you even though you are complicated and flawed.

I love the full spectrum of your personality, from your strengths to your weaknesses. I recognize that every one of your weaknesses has a corresponding strength and I can’t have one without the other.

I love that you’re not the same person you were five years ago and that you will be different ten years from now. I don’t love you for who you are today, I love you for who you continue to become even though I don’t know exactly who that will be.

I love the mistakes you make and the weaknesses you expose because it reminds me that I am not perfect either.

I love you, but I worry that you’re hiding a piece of yourself. There is great danger in hiding who we are because silence has long term, far reaching repercussions on our health and our community. Today is Valentine’s Day and even though I think it’s a made up holiday for which a lot of cheesy cards and red roses are sold, it’s a day I look at as an opportunity to soften my resolve of hiding who I am. In other words, it’s a great day to love ourselves and be proud of who we are.

Today I wish for you to…

Stop wasting energy hiding who you are. Every week you continue to hide your true self, you’re practicing that habit and you’re getting better, better at hiding yourself. It becomes a habit and then you start to forget your true self, you become the hidden version of yourself.

Know that you don’t need to conform. You shouldn’t feel a need to conform because conformity is giving into something you’re not. It’s hiding who you are and it is a disease. Conformity is the opposite of loving yourself.

Recognize that the mind has no ability to discriminate what is good for us and what is bad for us. Whatever you feed your mind it will digest.

Cultivate love. A lot of people think I am disciplined and that it comes naturally but it doesn’t, I just really want it. I want my mental, physical, and spiritual health to be optimal so I cultivate discipline. Love requires the same thing, it grows depending on how much you want it.

Understand that where you are today was predicated by what you did in the past (the former ‘now’). Control what might happen in the future by being completely focused on today. Fears of the future are useless, as are painful thoughts of the past. They provide zero value on how we can be happy right now.

Figure out what you don’t want and take your attention and any emotions associated with those things and instead focus that energy on being the most loving, kind person anyone has encountered.

Happy Valentine’s Day

What I learned from escorts in highschool

Since the age of 11 I’ve earned my own money. First a paper route, then working retail, and then by starting my own business when I was 15. I was paying rent to my mom by the age of 17. I learned that money bought me freedom, power, and friends. But what I failed to learn was that there’s no amount of money, power or freedom that could buy me confidence.

With every success I had my confidence actually shrank. With every accomplishment I found ways to look for imperfections instead of celebrating each win. I don’t think I’m alone in this aspect and I still find myself doing it, albeit far less.

My personal achievements deepened emotional scars instead of repairing them. In retrospect, it actually makes a lot of sense because my achievements were not recognized by the one person who counted the most, myself.

In high school my best friend’s brother ran an escort agency. On weekends one summer, after my mom went to bed, I would take her car and drive escorts to their appointments.

Just like the men who created the demand for the escorts, I continued to create the demand for attention by making more money from every available source. My self confidence was weak, but it never showed. I needed attention and I got it by making and flaunting my money.

We all judge people and we are all judged by others. Anyone who says they don’t judge people is lying to themselves. You are judging me right now because of this story. I can’t stop that and neither can you. You are going to be judged and labeled, the best thing to do is lean in.

The escorts I drove were mothers, students, artists and even a lawyer. They were all working as escorts and I judged them, but I learned my label didn’t fit most. I learned that I can’t stop myself from judging people but I can be more aware of the labels I place on people. None of them were what I thought they were.

The truth is that these women and I had a lot in common. Many of the woman I drove had other jobs making good money. Some were addicted to the power, but most were addicted to the money like I was. Self confidence is fragile when you rely on external sources to give it to you. I realize years later, that these women did not have any cheerleaders in their lives. We tend to surround ourselves with people who will support our self-limiting beliefs and weaknesses. It’s just easier that way.

Even though I had my own business I was there so that I could make more money, which I thought would bring me more cheerleaders. I was the awkward kid who made a lot of money. I liked what I thought the money was bringing me: more friends, popularity… cheerleaders.

Cheerleaders who are bought, are not true cheerleaders. They are attracted to the money and power and if that disappears, so will they. The key is to love yourself. If you love yourself, you’ll attract true cheerleaders who are genuinely driven by their love for you rather than money and perceived power.

“The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.” Oscar Wilde

 

 

Awareness vs evaluation and the rule of thirds

I have found that no matter what action I take or what I produce the rule of thirds applies.

1/3 of people will agree with me, advocate what I have said, they will promote what I have produced, and shower me with praise

1/3 of people will disagree with me, often aggressively, think and even speak ill of me to others

1/3 of people will be indifferent, remain silent, not even really care, and will take no action

Self evaluation is difficult for any creative person but determining how others perceive you can be even more challenging. But it doesn’t have to be, not if you understand the rule of thirds. When you do, you can put your energy into self awareness, that is where you have control and it’s always best to focus where we have control.

I can’t control how people will perceive me or react to me, but I can be self aware. Self Awareness is having a clear perception of your personality, including strengths, weaknesses, thoughts, beliefs, motivation, and emotions. But most importantly, it is being aware of your effect and impact. It takes discipline to become self aware, and speaking from experience it can be painful. The truth, which self awareness is, can be uncomfortable. I had to lay in a beanbag on Thursday in direct sunlight in order to accelerate my recovery from a moment of truth. Like a crocodile pulls itself out of the water and lays in the sun to refuel, I had to do the same after having been delivered a bowl of cold truth. It has been said that the truth goes through three stages. First it is ridiculed, second it is violently opposed, finally it is believed as a self evident truth. Masters of self awareness move quickly through stages one and two in order to accelerate to the finish line, in order to win.

I believe entrepreneurs and highly creative people are focused on winning, not because they want to be rich but because it’s simply part of their DNA. But winning requires more than a simple desire to win, it requires resolve – a resolve to be self aware. Victory belongs to the person with the strongest and most accurate reality and I believe that comes from being self aware.

The five lessons I took away from my divorce and how I apply them to my business

“One minute you’re waiting for the sky to fall the next day you are dazzled by the beauty of it all.” – Bruce Cockburn

This past week, two years and a five days after my now ex-wife said, “I have a lawyer and you need a lawyer,” I am officially divorced. The first year was painful and often heart wrenching. A time full of anger, angst and resentment. I was scared and sad. Today, with it being official, I am relieved but still a bit sad. Relieved because I am released and there is closure. Not unlike how one feels when they get their final bankruptcy paperwork. It’s only a piece of paper, but it some how gives us permission to fully heal. Sad, because divorce is failure (more on that below).

I remember when it began, people told me it can take two to four years to really get through divorce. I didn’t believe it, after all, my marriage was only one week short of three years, how could it take longer to recover than the actual marriage? But they were right. When disaster strikes the smoke clears in many stages and over a long period of time.

So, I am divorced, it’s official. On this day I juggle the duality of being sad while seeing the beauty in it all. I am left with five lessons which I can also apply to my business.

1. You’ve got to love your kids more than you hate your ex. That is what a parenting counsellor said to us during our first meeting. Hate is a very strong word and I do not hate my ex, but for anyone who has been through the battle of divorce there are times you have extreme negative feelings toward the other side. But in the end, your love for your child must overpower and smother the negativity you have toward your ex. When you focus on your kids, and love your kids with all of your heart it melts just enough of that hate away that you can be productive in moving forward. When you spend your energy on negativity you will create more negativity and this vicious cycle will only hurt your kids.

In business, competitors are going to come after you, sometimes in aggressive and unethical ways. At some point an employee is going to let you down, steal from you, even stab you in the back. An investor is going to pull out and leave you high and dry. It’s easy to let the negative emotions take over but your employees are your kids and you need to love them more than you hate the people who have hurt you. When you spend your energy on negativity you will create more negativity and this vicious cycle will only hurt your employees.

2. Little girls learn how to respect themselves by watching how their father treats their mother. The most important thing a father can do for his daughter is treat her mother with respect. Kids are super perceptive, you can’t trick them here. They pick up on the stated and unstated emotions.

In business, future managers and leaders watch the entrepreneur, the CEO, for cues on how to lead. This happens, in most cases subconsciously. The most important thing an entrepreneur can do is treat his or her employees with respect. Future leaders pick up on the subtle cues the entrepreneur gives such as time, attention, empathy and respectful feedback.

3. You can’t find the lesson when you’re still in crisis. Many people asked me while I was still in the heat of the battle ‘what have I learned?’ But when I was struggling to get out of bed each day I wasn’t in a place to find a lesson. When you are in crisis mode you must put all your effort into getting out of crisis, not looking for lessons. The lessons appear when they are ready to appear, not when you look for them.

In business, crisis strikes when you least expect it. Major deals fall apart, partnerships falter, investors disappear, competitors sue you, employees sue you, vendors sue you. When crisis strikes focus completely on getting out of crisis, not being esoteric and trying to find the lesson because once you get past all the rhetoric about failure being good and at the centre of failure is a lesson, it’s still sad and with failure comes shame. You can’t get out of crisis mode when you feel shame.

4. Negotiating with someone who doesn’t trust you is futile. Trust takes a long time to build but only minutes to be destroyed, then years to rebuild again. No matter how honest you are trying to be, no matter your intention and authenticity, if trust is not there negotiating even the smallest detail is a massive undertaking during a divorce.

In business, trust sometimes disappears. We let a customer down in a huge way, we don’t deliver on a promise to an employee, we completely blow the projections we promised investors. The reality is we believe half of what people say and everything of what they do, so when trust is blown focus on actions not words. Even if you have lost trust at no fault of your own, you need to regroup and rebuild based on actions, not words, while expecting for it to be a slow process.

5. You can replace money but you can’t replace time. Divorce can be expensive but when it is all said and done you can make more money but you can’t get your time back. Forgiveness is the quickest way to create time. The more you forgive, including yourself, the faster the process.

It can be lonely running a business. What makes it really lonely is when people let you down, hurt you or take actions you can’t comprehend. You need to focus on the precious non-renewable resource of time. Make space for forgiveness and move on.

Love more than you hate. Be mindful of who is watching your actions, they will model your behaviour. Don’t look for the lesson, the lesson will come to you. When trust is lost, focus on your actions not your words. You can’t replace time but you can replace money.

 

The stories we attach ourselves to

I woke up on the bathroom floor of my mother’s house from what felt like a coma. I was lying in a pool of my own sweat, my head pounding, using a scale as a makeshift pillow. I had recently traveled throughout south east Asia and stopped taking my malaria medicine five months into my trip and now, back in Toronto I was suffering the wrath that kills nearly one million people worldwide every year. It was January 26, 1992 my twentieth birthday and my body felt like it had been beaten with a baseball bat. My family was downstairs debating what to do with me. One of them, while trying to take my temperature, had dropped the thermometer breaking it, but did we really need a thermometer to confirm I was in trouble? My brothers debated who would take me to the hospital?

The trip to Asia was the most formative experience of my life, even today, 22 years later it remains the most important experience of my life. I had traveled on a shoestring, learning more about self and survival than any of my friends would going to university.

There is a story, always ahead of you, barely apparent. Gradually you attach yourself to it, creating it, feeding it. Every story has a true source. Mine was born out of survival where I had to fend for myself, often even finding ways to create love for myself. I was the youngest of three boys with an absentee father and an incredible mother who had to work hard to pay the bills. This is not about pity, but about acknowledging how we are formed, so we can best understand who we are at any given time in our lives. I learned early to survive on my own in all areas of my life. Some of this created an entrepreneur, some of this created anger and resentment. Companies and brands go through a similar process of formation.

That winter birthday night spent in the hospital had an impact, more specifically the experience of being a nuisance to my family. That is the story I remember. It was an impression on top of another impression on top of another impression. An object or experience awakens an impression through external stimuli. You taste a strawberry an impression is made. You see a strawberry a week later that impression is awakened. You get sick from strawberries the impression deepens and develops.

The same goes for a brand or it’s service. I heard a colleague call out this week about being on hold for 35 minutes with Air Canada. He said while on hold, the message playing had informed him Air Canada was voted the best airline in North America, six times. Which impression do you think was embedded?

Impressions are embedded in the subconscious mind where we recall past experiences, the problem is that we don’t store the entire experience, at least not in a total recall perspective. Making this even more challenging we unconsciously choose what to store based on the story we have already begun to create. The one we’ve been feeding for decades. This works both ways. How people perceive me or a brand is hard to change once an impression has been made. People don’t read the book, they read the cover.

My dominant emotion which I score 98 out 100 on, is decisiveness, I kick in the front door with a shotgun, I do this with everything, it doesn’t matter the situation it’s how I enter, it comes from being a survivor. I arrived at adulthood with a tool bag and I had one tool in my bag, it was a hammer, a sledge hammer. It can be like hugging a cactus, interacting with people like me. People pick up on what we are thinking or feeling, it’s a sixth sense that all people have. But behaviour is like clothes and sometimes we need to change. It’s never easy changing, especially when you have story after story after story in your head that has been built up to do one thing, supporting and justifying how we act and react.

What story are you telling yourself?

What impression is your brand leaving?

Are you ready to change?

Do you have three more minutes. Watch this video, what no one wants to say about Ferguson. It’s a good way to start your weekend, it will at least make you think a little.

 

Emotion is your enemy

Last week, I was riding my bike to work with a much needed pit stop at the Apple Store to try and save an old hard drive. It was a way overdue task and I was anxious. About 10 blocks from my destination I came across a truck blocking the right lane and a street car was stopped in the left lane, traffic was stopped. I rode up on the sidewalk bypassing the traffic jam. A few blocks later, I was stopped at a red light when another cyclist pulled up next to me, “Bikes are not allowed on the sidewalk!” he squawked at me.

“I know” I replied.

“Then why are you going on the side walk?” he responded.

The light turned green and I carried on choosing to check my emotions and not to react. After another kilometre or so, I crossed the street and jumped up onto the sidewalk in order to get to the bike rack in front of the Apple Store. I admit, I got up on the sidewalk a little early, probably half a block from the bike rack. That’s when I saw the same guy in front of me again, he had crossed the street as well and positioned his bike across the sidewalk blocking me, yelling, “What didn’t you understand? Why do you think the rules don’t apply to you?”

That’s when I let my emotions get the best of me. I lost my cool and decided to speed up instead of slowing down. I rode right into him, knocking him to the sidewalk while yelling, “Are you a cop? Are you going to give me a ticket? I am locking my bike right there.” I am sure some other more aggressive words came out of my mouth as well. A spark had been lit, I had been poked and I exploded. I let my emotions affect my judgement.

“Intensity makes you stronger. Emotionalism makes you weaker.” – John Wooden

When I find myself in a state of intensity, I produce my best work. I feel strong and most importantly, I feel confident. The people around me feel a degree of love that is inspirational. That day I did not produce great work and I actually felt weak.

When I allow my emotions, whether positive or negative to take over, my judgement is clouded, my decisions are not made using proper logic, the quality of my work goes down and I don’t inspire great work from those around me.

Emotionalism destroys consistency. Any leader who is ruled by emotions produces a team whose performance is all about ups and downs with a high degree of unpredictability.

When I allow my behaviour to get the better of me, I am inviting it from others. When you let your emotions take over, you will always be out manoeuvred, outplayed and eventually lose.

Intensity is something to value in yourself and those that surround you.

Seek to perform from a high degree of intensity with great emotional discipline. It’s the winning formula.

Two easy steps to help a friend who has lost their way

Do you have a friend who has lost their way? They’re making mistakes left, right and centre. They are embarrassing themselves. You are worried about them and you need to help them.

We all have people in our lives who have seemingly lost their way. Posting crazy things on Facebook that make us feel uncomfortable or maybe they’ve quit their job to pursue an acting career or they’ve stopped coming to social events to stay home studying the Kabbalah every night. Or maybe they are spending all their money at 9 p.m. every night when they get their Gilt Group email instead of saving money or they have become workaholics so focused on their business they have forgotten about their own health. Maybe they found Jesus or Muhammad or Buddha. But one thing is for sure, they are lost and they need your help.

How do we help people like this who have obviously lost their way and are hurting themselves. Here is the two step process to helping a lost soul.

Step one. Examine what it is about your friend’s apparent lost way that bothers you so much. Look yourself in the mirror, determine why you are bothered, not what is bothering you. I have a friend who has great artistic talent, but squanders it away by not being disciplined. He doesn’t try new ways to market his talent and is likely scared of being rejected. I on the other hand am disciplined, I love trying new ways to market my talent and I have little fear of rejection. I’ve tried saving this friend many times. Lunches to discuss what can be done, emails with inspiring words, dedicating my yoga practice to his cause, even getting him jobs. But nothing has helped. He is lost, I can’t seem to save him and it bothers me a lot. When I look myself in the mirror and ask why it bothers me instead of what bothers me I realize it’s all about me. He is not lost, I am lost in his issues. It bothers me that I can not have impact. Frankly he’s not really lost, he is where he is and that works for him or it doesn’t work for him, but it’s not my place to say he is lost.

We are most often hurt by other’s weaknesses when they are in direct conflict with our own values. We project our issues onto someone else and then try to fix them.

Step two. When you do need to help someone, save them from drug addiction, their constant criticism of employees or their impatience with their children in public, try one technique that can immediately move the conversation from criticism to caring. The technique is curiosity. When you come from a place of curiosity you are wanting to understand more, you want discover versus criticize. “You know I care about you a lot, right? I see you get very frustrated with your kids when we are out for dinner. It looks like it really hurts you. What do you think is driving that?” Telling someone you care about them and want to better understand the background versus the behaviour can often allow for a much easier conversation. “How can I help you, where do you need me to support you?” can be one the most loving, caring and non-confrontational ways to end the conversation with a lost soul.

Remember, it’s seldom about saving someone, unless they are really hurting themselves with something like drugs or physically abusing someone else. The person who needs to be saved is us, you, me!

 

The trend of saying no and four ways to break through

There’s a current trend of saying “no” as a way to become more productive and happy. Everyone is writing about it: here, here and here.

But what do you do if you are on the other end of “no”?

How do you take the next step when someone is not responding to your requests for a meeting because they are saying no and focusing on things that are more important to them?

What’s the best way to break through someone else’s perception that you are less valuable to them right now than something else on their plate?

Being desirable isn’t just convincing people you are valuable, it’s convincing them that they want you to be valuable.

It’s true, people are more accessible than ever before. You can send a tweet to almost anyone and they will see it. You can get a LinkedIn invite to someone’s inbox in seconds. You can comment on their blog, you can send them a note card or mail them a pen with their name on it. But you are not standing out, you are just making more noise and it might be doing more damage rather than clearing a path to your desired goal.

Being honest at every level is the most important trait of building a strong network. But you need to start by being honest with yourself. Whether it is a potential prospect or a potential mentor you are seeking out, being honest with yourself is the first step at getting past the no. I’ve caught myself in the past being dishonest with myself about why I needed to talk to someone or have their acknowledgement. Including potential customers. And I set myself up for failure because the other side senses this.

Here’s four ways to break through “no”.

1. “To thine own self be true” is Polonius’ last piece of advice to his son Laertes in Shakespeare’s Hamlet. If you are not being true to yourself you are pursuing things that are false. He suggests avoiding activities that are detrimental to your image and by true he means loyal to your own best interests. In order to be desirable to others you have to first take care of yourself and create a strong image. Polonius suggests taking care of yourself first and that way you will be in a position to take care of others.

2. Take care of others. What is the value you are creating? You can’t get past the “no” unless you are creating value for someone other than yourself. Before you can even get to the point where someone could say “no” you have to create enormous value. Value starts with understanding who the other side is and what their challenges are. In today’s world you don’t need to talk directly to the person to find out what might create value to them. But as I suggested above a tweet or a LinkedIn invite might not do it.

3. Understand someone else’s “no” is a tool they are using to protect themselves. They have limited time and energy and they want to focus on what’s most important and has the greatest return on investment to them now. Their “no” has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Often a “no” simply means ‘not now’. Try the question, “under what circumstances would you say yes?”

4. When you do receive a “no,” recognize that you have not created enough value or your value is not understood. Rethink your strategy, rework your communication and start over.

You almost always have enough rope to create a lasso or a noose. The great thing is you have a choice of how to use the rope.

 

 

My four highest impact books of the last six months

Every six months I share the four or five books that created the greatest amount of value for me. So without further delay here they are.

Don’t Bite the Hook – by Pema Chodron. Ok, this is not a book, it’s a three CD collection from one of Pema’s live talks. Not sure many buddhist nuns can be described like this, but Pema Chodron rocks. I have listened to this talk more than 20 times. Life has a way of provoking us with everything from traffic jams to irritating people, from long line ups to close talkers. It happens to all of us, we bite the hook, we get upset and angry. Pema’s down to earth interpretation of Buddhist teachings shows us how to avoid our habitual response, biting the hook. My greatest take away each time I listen is the fact that it is possible to relate constructively to the inevitable shocks, losses, and frustrations of life so that we can find true happiness. Don’t Bite the Hook is a purchase you will not regret. You will learn how to stay focused and centered in the midst of challenges and improve stressful relationships while awakening compassion for yourself and those around you. It all sounds so zen and it is and you will love it.

War of Art by Steven Pressfield. Best selling novelist Steven Pressfield points the finger at the enemy every one of us faces, he then outlines a plan to conquer this internal demon and clearly identifies how to go to the next level. I read this in one day sitting outside in the sun. It was a pivotal day for me. The tag line for the book “break through the blocks and win your inner creative battles” is bang on. The book really grabbed me right from the start because I am so passionate about creating things but equally as frustrated that I do not create enough. In one of the first chapters Pressfield writes: “Most of us have two lives. The life we live, and the unlived life within us. Between the two stands resistance.” If you are challenged in getting more creative work done and it feels like that block is internal, this book is for you. From the book “Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do. Remember our rule of thumb: The more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it.”

The Social Animal by David Brooks. In The Social Animal, Brooks uses two fictional characters, Harold and Erica, to illustrate his theory around the causes of success and failure in life, specifically how the human mind socializes itself. Harold and Erica’s upbringing, external influences and major life events all make up how they operate as ‘social animals’. It picks apart moral and social issues that we all deal with everyday as part of human nature and society. I found the book fascinating and highly recommend it if you are intrigued, as I am, with how we operate day to day based on years of social inputs.

The Power of Kindness. The Unexpected Benefits of Leading a Compassionate Life. The book was gift and it came at a really stressful point in 2013, it really moved me. Kindness matters and in ways I had not thought of previously. You know those books that are just there at the right time, well this book feels like it would always be the right time to read it. Heck, even the Dalai Lama loved it “A book after my own heart” The author, Piero Ferrucci explores really surprising facets of kindness and he makes a strong case for why kindness is the trait that will create the most amount of happiness in us and those around us. Ferrucci does a fantastic job at explaining how kindness is the underlying theme of many virtues such as honesty, forgiveness and humility. I feel like I have a more sustainable way to maintain happiness having read this book.

 

Let’s continue the conversation on the go to market guy Facebook page or Twitter feed. What books have had the most impact on you recently?

 

 

 

The hidden dangers of your strengths

There is a particular mindset that highly successful entrepreneurs and artists share. This mindset has unique set of attributes and special strengths. Yet every one one of these strengths has a flip side, a potential pitfall.

Consider the following ‘Strengths’. And the hidden dangers.

 

adhd-2THE UPSIDE                             THE DOWNSIDE
Open to new ideas                             Overwhelmed by possibilities

Unstoppable once they start            Prone to procrastinate

Lateral thinker                                    Tunes out in conversations

Driven                                                  Restless and impatient

Passionate                                          Overreacts, easily upset

Cross-Disciplinary thinker                Unfocused

Full of ideas                                       Stuff falls through the cracks

Loves to Multi-task                           Often makes small but costly mistakes

 

The upside always comes with a potential downside. Your obvious strength hides an insidious blind spot. And the tipping point between success and failure is a fine line.

Here’s what will surprise you. The list of ‘Strengths’ in the left-hand column is not from a book about entrepreneurs or highly creative people. It’s culled from a book about adults with ADHD. So is the second column. One of the authors of that book is television writer, producer, director and actor Rick Green who I recently got to sit down and talk with. The interview is going to be part of a new feature on gotomarketguy.com, ‘interviews with people you may have never have heard of’.

Adults with ADD and ADHD are natural born entrepreneurs and often find themselves in careers demanding of creativity. How they manage their ‘disorder’ and succeed in business, entertainment, music, software and a number of other ADHD-friendly careers is amazing. The tools and strategies that work for people with this mindset are often the opposite of what most organizational gurus suggest. The structures, tricks, tips and tools that work for ADHD adults work for entrepreneurs as well.

learn more about Rick and his book here.

 

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